An Introduction for Family

from John Vittas

No one can ever be prepared to deal with the sudden loss of a loved one, especially when the loved one is just a child. As a father and a grandfather, the sudden loss of my granddaughter, Emily, to the flu was devastating. Once Emily left us, everything became different.

My daughter, Jennifer, and her husband, Joe, were facing the most devastating loss imaginable – the death of their child.

My wife and I were coping with our own loss while also trying to support those around us – our other children and grandchildren and other family members. While supporting our loved ones helped our grieving process more than we can say, the challenge was often overwhelming.

There were times when we felt helpless – pulled in many directions at once as we tried to navigate this terrible reality with our family.

We have dealt with our personal pain of losing Emily, as well as the pain of seeing our daughter suffering, in our own way. We have learned that every person’s experience with grief and their path to getting better is different. This Emotional Support guide has been created to serve you and others close to you as you find your path. Just as I was able to find comfort from the other members of Families Fighting Flu, know that we are there for you too, to listen and to help you get through this unbearable time, to answer questions you may have about the bereavement process, how to support your family, and where to find additional resources.

This guide will also be helpful to your family, your friends and others affected by your loss. The resources included will not only help them to understand what they might be able to do in support, but also perhaps what they shouldn’t say or do.

It is my hope that the resources included in this Emotional Support guide will not only help you cope with the loss of your child, but also help put you on a path which, over time, will lead you to realize that while things will never be the same, they can still be good.

Sincerely,

John Vittas, Emily’s grandfather (2000-2004)

When someone you care about is grieving, it can be tough to know what to say or do. While you can’t take away the pain of the loss, you can provide much-needed comfort and support.

1. Understand the Bereavement Process

The better your understanding of grief and the process someone is going through, the better equipped you’ll be to help a bereaved family member or friend:

• There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief does not always unfold in orderly, predictable stages. It can be an emotional rollercoaster, with unpredictable highs, lows and setbacks. Everyone grieves differently, so avoid telling the bereaved what they “should” be feeling or doing.
• Grief may involve extreme emotions and behaviors. Feelings of guilt, anger, despair and fear are common. A grieving person may yell to the heavens, obsess about the death, lash out at loved ones, or cry for hours on end. Don’t judge them or take their grief reactions personally.
• There is no set timetable for grieving. For many people, grief after bereavement typically takes 18 to 24 months, but for others, the grieving process may be longer or shorter. Don’t pressure the bereaved to move on or make them feel like they’ve been grieving too long. This can actually slow their healing.

2. Listen With Compassion

Almost everyone worries about what to say to people who are grieving. But knowing how to listen is much more important. Often, well-meaning people avoid talking about the death or mentioning the deceased person. However, the bereaved need to feel that their loss is acknowledged, that it’s not too terrible to talk about, and that their loved one won’t be forgotten.

While you should never try to force someone to open up, it’s important to let the bereaved know they have permission to talk about the loss. Talk candidly about the person who died and don’t steer away from the subject if the deceased’s name comes up. Invite the grieving person to openly express his or her feelings. Try simply saying, “I’m here if you want to talk.”

• Accept and acknowledge all feelings. Let the grieving person know that it’s okay to cry in front of you, to get angry, or to break down.
• Be willing to sit in silence. Don’t press if the grieving person doesn’t feel like talking. You can offer comfort and support with your silent presence. If you can’t think of something to say, just offer eye contact, a squeeze of the hand, or a reassuring hug.
• Let the bereaved talk about how their loved one died. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death for some.
• Offer comfort and reassurance without minimizing the loss. Tell the bereaved that what they are feeling is okay. If you’ve gone through a similar loss, share your own experience if you think it would help. However, don’t give unsolicited advice, claim to “know” what the person is feeling, or compare your grief to theirs.
• It’s OK to cry with the grieving person.

When someone you care about is grieving, it can be tough to know what to say or do. While you can’t take away the pain of the loss, you can provide much-needed comfort and support.

What to Say to Someone Who Has Lost a Loved One:

It is common to feel awkward when trying to comfort someone who is grieving. Many people do not know what to say or do. The following are suggestions to use as a guide:

• Acknowledge the situation and express your concern. Example: “I heard about [child’s name] and I’m sorry.” Or “I just wanted to say I was sorry about [child’s name].”
• Use the child’s name as this helps keep their memory alive.
• Be genuine in your communication and don’t hide your feelings. Example: “I’m not sure what to say, but I want you to know I care.” Remember, caring thoughts and hugs may make the person cry, but tears are part of the healing process.
• Offer your support, and be specific. Example: “I would like to help you and your family; can I pick up your children from school this week?”
• Don’t assume you know how the bereaved person feels on any given day.
• Remember that a smile and “It’s good to see you” can make any person’s day a little brighter.

Comments to Avoid When Comforting a Bereaved Parent:

Even though you have the best intentions when comforting someone who has experienced a loss, these often common phrases can be hurtful and aggravating to hear. Try not to use the following sentiments:

• “I know how you feel.” Instead, say that “I’m sorry, I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.”
• “It’s part of God’s plan.” Faith is very personal and the bereaved may not share your beliefs. It’s also not uncommon for people to question their faith during times like these.
• “Look at what you have to be thankful for” or “At least you have your other children.” They know they have things to be thankful for, but right now they are not important. And one child certainly does not replace another.
• “At least you had your child for X years.” When this was said to one of our members, she thought to herself, “And what year would you choose for your own child to die?”
• “He’s in a better place now.” It’s hard for any parent to believe that there is a better place for their child than with them.
• “This is behind you now.” The loss of a child is never behind a parent. It will always be a part of them.
• “You’ll get over it.” Although a parent will eventually move beyond acute grief, losing a child is not something a parent ever gets over.
• Statements that begin with “You should” or “You will.” These statements are too directive. Instead, you could begin your comments with: “Have you thought about…” or “You might…”
• “You can have another baby.” One child cannot replace another.

There are many practical ways you can help a grieving person. You can offer to:

• • Shop for groceries or run errands.
  • Ask what the family likes to eat and offer to drop off a prearranged meal on a specific day. Best of all is to arrange a schedule for friends/neighbors to do the same.
  • Help with funeral arrangements.
  • Buy stamps and offer to make labels for acknowledgment cards.
  • Help set up an event, memorial and/or charitable fund for the family.
  • Stay in their home to take phone calls and receive guests.
  • Help with insurance forms or bills.
  • Take care of housework, such as cleaning or laundry.
  • Watch their children or pick them up from school.
  • Drive them wherever they need to go.
  • Look after their pets.
  • Go with them to a support group meeting.
  • Accompany them on a walk.
  • Arrange to take them to lunch or a movie with the understanding that it may be canceled if the person is not up to it that day.
  • Share an enjoyable activity (game, puzzle, art project).

Young children feel the pain of bereavement, but they learn how to express their grief by watching the adults around them. After a loss – particularly of a sibling – children need support, stability and honesty. They also need extra reassurance that they will be cared for and kept safe. As an adult, you can support children through the grieving process by demonstrating that it’s okay to be sad and helping them make sense of the loss.

Answer any questions children may have as truthfully as you can. Use very simple, honest and concrete terms when explaining death to a child. Children, especially young children, may blame themselves for what happened and the truth helps them see they are not at fault.

How Parents Can Help a Grieving Child:

• As soon as possible after the death, set time aside to talk to your child.
• Provide professional support for your child; talk to your family doctor or your child’s school counselor for a referral to a child therapist.
• Give your child the facts in a simple manner – be careful not to go into too much detail. Your child will ask more questions as they come up in his/her mind.
  • The explanation that worked best for some of our members with young children was that death occurs when someone’s body stops working, with reassurance that this will not happen to them and that it usually happens when people are very old.
• Allow your child, however young, to attend the funeral if he or she wants to.
• Convey your spiritual values about life and death with your child.
• Meet regularly as a family to find out how everyone is coping. Talk about feelings, such as: sad, angry, feeling responsible, scared, tearful, depressed, worried, etc.
• Use the given name of the deceased when speaking of him or her.
• Be willing to hear and discuss your child’s feelings and encourage him or her to talk about the person who died. Recalling memories (both good ones and not so good ones) might have great value to one child while others might not be ready to talk about the person. Be conscious of their response.
• Write down memories of the child because every single memory you have will be treasured.
• Help children find ways to symbolize and memorialize the deceased person.
• Keep your child’s daily routine as normal as possible.
• Pay attention to the way a child plays; this can be one of a child’s primary ways of communicating.
• Watch out for “bad dreams.” Are they occurring often? Talk about the dreams.
• Watch for behavioral changes in your child both at home or at school.

What Not to Do:

• Don’t force a child to publicly mourn if he or she doesn’t want to.
• Don’t give false or confusing messages, like “Sally went to sleep.”
• Don’t tell a child to stop crying because others might get upset.
• Don’t try to shield a child from the loss. Children pick up on much more than adults realize. Including them in the grieving process will help them adapt and heal.
• Don’t stifle your tears; by crying in front of your child, you send the message that it’s okay for him or her to express feelings, too. At the same time, try not to sob or lose control in front of your child; it’s too scary for him or her.
• Don’t turn your child into your personal confidante. Rely on another adult or a support group instead.
• Don’t tell a child they have grieved too long or to “get over it.”